She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
