I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize