I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
