I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I had to cum in my sink.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
