I want to make a zoo with you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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