I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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