I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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