now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
