I hate your face
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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