Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize