My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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