I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
