My Higher Power is John Stamos
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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