Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
