I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
