I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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