i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
