I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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