The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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