im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
