seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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