I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
