I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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