Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
