you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize