I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize