his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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