we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
