JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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