You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
