i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
