garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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