You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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