I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Im part way to drunk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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