I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
