i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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