She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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