Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Houston, we have a squirter
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am naked and annoyed.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
