What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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