I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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