the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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