i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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