He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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