The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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