Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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