Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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