Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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