You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
