i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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