I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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