The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
