We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
