Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
