pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
