I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
