My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
