No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
